Odd night

She called me noble, and moreso than she felt deserving of...
I'm not sure I see what she's talking about...

This year keeps getting more and more interesting

Reflections within reflections

I am nothing more than the ghost of ink
Written on wisps of unadulterated imagination,
Bleeding a silently screaming soul
Into the darkness of a blazing sun

Ghost Ink 01212014

I had an idea of doing a long post about what I'd been up to as of late, but I'm just feeling it today.

Valentine's day has always been a rather depressing one of the past... eleven years now. Seemed like every year had something to throw at me when I wasn't expecting it, this year was no exception.

break break release unwind
This pain on me to be sublime
Break the surface break the core
Break until there is no more

Break break until its done
Till all the love has been unsung
Throw my heart under disarray
Into the darkness into the day

Breaking 01252014

Despite the poem exerts from this year, I've been doing my best to keep my new year's resolution: keeping asking God where I should take my next step. I'd plugged into a Bible study group at my church covering finding God's will in the middle of last month, a while later starting talking with one my church's deacon (who happens to be leading the class). I'm doing my best to become stronger, but my strength is fleeting and so I'm trying to rely more on His to carry me, because I'm having trouble carrying myself.

Worse yet, why tell me now?
Why after so long shed light on something so deeply buried?
I'd moved on from it, tried to make myself better
Now it just seems worthless
Leaving me with nothing but questions.

A Victim of Innocence 04272013

As of late I've been woken up from sleep, be it a nap or some time in the middle of the night, and just weep. There have been other moments where out of the blue I'll feel a hot tear stroll down my cheek, and I would have to hide before the rest come. My heart seems to break a bit more by the day, and it doesn't want to hide it anymore.

I ache Lord, oh how do I ache
The coldness of the night claw into me
I wish to feel warm again
I want to feel a life worth living for

I don't like to feel alone
Even around others, it gnaws on me
When Lord, and how
Why can't I feel you're enough

Lament 10192012

Tomorrow, I may feel better; tonight, I try to remind my heart that the pain matters, but I needn't let it be a definition.

Deep into the woods I go
Searching, searching for something
I'm not sure for what exactly
I just know it's in there.

The light dims as the foliage takes over the sky
Rustling leaves tell me the secrets of the winds
"Deeper, seek me," such things I heard in low whispers
I run, to that voice I run

Over the fallen trees and streams I flew
The wolves ran with me, but fell behind
Fish became my stepping stones
Even after stumbling, I must go deeper

Run 05212011

Earlier this week was this month's Story Slam, where people come up and tell personal stories for five minutes to the month's theme. A friend said I should come and tell one and I easily had one one for this month's theme of love hurts. The tale revolved around a cold night in January where in a drunken depression I destroyed and deleted paintings, poems, origami, stories, all manner of arts that were inspired by one person over several years. I didn't get to tell it, as my name was never drawn from the bag; but I'm hoping by this time next month, I can tell it with a different spin to the next month's theme of happiness.

Like a glass that was only half full
I never finished going beneath the surface to know all that was there
Just sat there admiring the sparkling liquid
The essence I did take in were refreshing to my heart

Essence 09252010

I am doing my best to move forward. I can't promise that I won't fall back and look at times I remember as happier. I will do my best not to crawl back into that hole again and I hope that you'll continue to watch and if need be call me out when I start to slip and hesitate.

Here my friend, have a piece
May you can figure and where it goes
Does it go to the college, love life, or weekend craziness side?
Or, maybe God's giving me me something for a feature section.

Puzzle 09022009

In time, each heartache has been met with something that kept the cold nights at bay, a blanket, a hand knit scarf... they do well keeping my mind off the weather. It's not the ice or the chills or the absence of sun that gets to be most, just something else felt all year round.

Take me where I can run unbound
Take me where I can swim besides the sun
Where I can reach and touch the star-like dreams
Take me to a place where I know you'll be
Take, me, home

Home 03012008

I thank you for reading this, and yes I understand there are parts in there that seem troubling and I apologize. As I'd mentioned earlier this isn't quite what I had in mind to write tonight, but I hope this offers some clarity somewhere. The day is almost over, may my eyes will stop crying and I can find some rest in the night. Thank you for praying for me, while there's one thing I'd like to ask for, prayer is more important. For now, I'm going to do my best to actively wait, and see what God has in store for me.

The sails pick up wind and push me onward
Wherever God takes me I put my life in His hands
Even with you falling behind the sky
I'm glad to see you in the times you do appear
Stars fall across the sea above me and I look back ahead

Though I can never steer to you again
I thank you for your help in getting my bearings straight
Ever so distant you still guide me to a safe harbor
And so I continue to sail across this sea
Watching the stars fall over the newborn dawn

Starfall - Composition date lost

It's been a while

But that doesn't mean things haven't been going on since I've last written.

In the past half year, I've transitioned out of my home town to my college town on feelings and urges that I cannot full account for. There were feelings of wanting to get back with the small handful of friends that I call my second family, another because I actually like my college town even though I'm used to cities. *chuckle*.

I was only able to actually make this move to man who gave me a generous offer, and I felt that that was the sign I needed to say that this was the right call, and up until December I had fully believed that. Then I was let go and my world just shattered.

Since then, my sleep habit has become severely erratic as I am only sleeping in small pockets throughout the day and stay wide awake through the nights only to be caught by the sun to remind me that I have somehow failed. When I was working for this job, I actually buckled down and made a routine of going to bed on time, getting enough hours of sleep, having clothes put out before I went to bed, I was gung ho about this  like nothing else. I was inspired to write again and dream those stories onto page.

Now I just sit in silence with physical, emotional and what feels like spiritual darkness around me. While I have enough to live here for a few more months, I can't sustain that and I don't want to live that way. I've been reading more of Proverbs as of late to try and ease my mind and it has brought hope and encouragement to me.

I have a treasure of which it speaks and yet it is sinking in that it is not a treasure for me to claim, and that has also placed a hurt in my heart.

Aside from reading my Bible more, the only other positive thing is that I've been getting back into the routine of working out (though now it's at anywhere between 5-6:30am).

I've just told my parents that I'll probably be moving back down to Houston in a month or so. They're still proud of me even though I personally feel like an utter failure and partially a disgrace. *sighs* It's been especially heavy since the new year rang in.

I thought there would be more time

I thought I would have a chance

I felt like it would work out

Now, I feel shattered, pages unattached to their proper bindings and cast to the wind, unsure of where they may fall.

I ask for prayer, for so much that even some I dare not put to type..

Father, please help me to hear you calling to me

Cut

So, I was hanging out with some friends Saturday when I got a text from her, asking for her motorcycle key back (I'd originally taken it so I could start her bike once in a while while she was in the hospital). I was near on the other side of town so I told her I would half to get it later; or drive over to where I was to get it. She said she'd rather I drop what I was doing and take it to her.

Much to say that I didn't. This led to her getting upset enough to threaten me with calling the constables... I'm sorry?  I called her bluff on it by not doing anything, though she kept sending message after message about how much of a "bad" friend I was, etc. etc.

So towards the end of my time with my friends, she called and said she just wanted the key back. I did drop it off into her mailbox and just left. I didn't want my last memory of seeing her be of her hostile.

So now she is no longer friends with me, and I'm for one am more or less grateful for it; though I still feel bad for her mom being alone in her fight to save her daughter. I'm the second close friend she's cut out of her life, and I'm pretty certain more will follow.

Everything I'd done for her in the past couple of weeks has now turned to waste, what am I to do aside from continuing to pray for her.

I do feel lighter now, though I still feel a bit horrible for being so. Was there more I could've done? Many near this situation say that I've done so much, are amazed with all I've done as well to see how long I was around to try and help her. Personally, I don't know that answer, and it's going to take some time to figure out. Though, I guess I knew I was finish with her when she broke my patience. I don't like being over that thresh hold and it takes quite a lot to get me where I was that other night. Sarah told me that if I had tried to stay around the girl would just throw me over the line over and over and I agree, and so her cutting me out of her life has become mutual.

I surprised myself last night when, while I was talking to Sarah, I'd ask if she'd go to the girl's funeral should she succeeded in killing herself. She said yes; myself though, I feel like I'm too angered and disconnected to do so. I would go for her mother's sake... but for now, not for her, and that makes me sad.

Now what... I need to continue praying, and refocus onto things that matter.

A quick stroke - a follow up

(Thursday afternoon)
Just recently in the past hour, my friend mentioned in the past post started messaging me again. I knew what was going to come up in the conversation as I got it from Sarah the night before. While we were talking she was going on about fixing to go on "one last ride" on her motorcycle.

I gathered my friends from small group and asked them to pray, and then I myself prayed that He would do something to keep her from doing anything. At this point of the conversation she was silent (we were talking via text). After a moment she sent a message say I was lucky because her motor wouldn't turn over. I told her I believed it was more of an answered prayer than luck.

(Continued Saturday 0300)
I asked her if we could hang out and she's agreed. I wasn't sure what purpose getting her out there would serve, I just didn't want her to be on her own. A block from her house I got a text saying that she wasn't going and not to worry about her. Of course, all things considered this set off alarms in my head. I pulled into the driveway and went through the back, to find that i caught her before she swallowed a cocktail of four different pills (there were six bottles in all) with a wine chaser.

"It would make everyone happier/better off if I wasn't there"

"This is easier"

"Nobody cares about me anymore"

Three of the main things she told me when I tried to get the pills away from her, I'd originally asked her if she could dispose of them herself and of course that was a dumb decision. Took me a while to get them from her but eventually I got 'em.

I seem to have lost whatever standing with her I had left ... if there was any left, I eventually called her mom, who came by and tried to have a deep discussion with her about all of this. Eventually though, the police were involved, and she volunteered to return to the hospital for a psych evaluation. I left her with her mom and tried to get my mind off of things. I went to hang out with friends, and it's amazing how you change when around people who have a great vitality as appose to one wanting to end their own.

I did get to speak with a young gal named Jessica, whose been coming to church when she can. She has a condition that's taken a good portion of her mobility away... kinda reminds me of my dear late friend Tay in a fashion with and beyond that. Even with the condition she's still full of life, and has told me that she's never thought of suicide. I think that one portion of the entire night raised my spirits.

I came home around 3ish and tried to write down my thoughts here on this post. The days interactions earlier in the day has left me emotionally, mentally and a bit spiritually drained. When I was finally coming around to sleep, I got a call around 4:30 from her, asking to pick her up and take her home. I can't discern what was going through my mind at the time. I asked her if she'd called her mom and asked if it was okay with her, and she said yes to both so I got into my car and started heading out there... all the while calling her mom to verify but she wasn't answering. I even went so far as to the mother's house (it's virtually on the way there)... before I decided that she could stay there for a few more hours.

I turned off my phone then, returned home, and went back to sleep. It wasn't until after work that I heard from her again with a sarcastic thanks or nothing text. Apparently she slept in the lobby of the hospital and walked home around six this morning. Why did she leave?

She didn't want to get into debt.

I've been out of it all day with so little sleep, I'm honestly amaze I could even drive, much less function at work as well as I did. I basically told her that I realized she lied to me and that I was tired about being her taxi service. After that, I stayed away from my phone and the computer. I decided to stay in for the evening though several friends asked if I could come hang out with them. I appreciate their asking, but I really need the rest.

I have to admit, I'm scared, for the girl as well as myself. I finally found the thresh hold for my patience and while I try to be as patience as possible... *shudder* I worry that she may brush by it again....

if there is an again.

I'm unsure what's going to happen now, and frankly, I'm feeling rather dried up and to hurt to go back. I see more and more why her closest friend left, and I wonder more often as the days pass whether I should follow suit. And most people that know me well enough know I have a fault with keeping friendships even if it leads to nothing to but ill.

I've done all I can do, I'm spent, my mind is filled with one simple question:

How is suicide ever an answer?

I hear answers but the logic and spiritual side of me cannot make a connection between the answers and what I hear. Life is ever so precious, even those I know are so worse off than the average person can still life a wonderful life and give hope to others. Thank you Tay for always reminding me of that.

 Father, I no longer know what to do here anymore; but you do, and I place this into your hands.

Embrace in the promise of you
Is rest for the weary soul
Releasing all that is mine
I reach for you

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

How much, is too much?

"Catholic or not, you should be going for sainthood..." My friend Sarah told me as we were discussing things over Skype. As much as I appreciated the odd comment, I don't think sainthood works that way lol, but rather defeats the purpose of sainthood.

We were discussing a friend of ours who was admitted to a hospital a month or so ago for drug detox and psychological help after contemplating/attempting suicide. She was in for about a little over a week, Sarah and I would alternate visiting with her to check in on her and to let her know people were still there for her. When she got out, I volunteered to drive her to therapy sessions every morning for roughly a week as well so that her already stressed mom could relax a bit.

Sadly, things were going down hill. Fights between her and everyone, stopping to go on her own to sessions, and eventually, a relapse into her addictions. She was even using while I was visiting her yesterday, which I think hurt the most.

I've been recently going through Matthew 18 as I remembered back in class that there was a passage about confronting people. Once in private, Second with another person to help back you up, and third before a congregation of believers; but, if she no longer believes in God, what then, should I go ahead and leave them? As it is, Sarah has already left her aside, and the girl turns back to the drugs to cope instead of reaching out to the people that are her friends.

Simply obvious, she needs to get back with Christ, as He's the only one strong enough to help her get through this. Alas, I've been a poor example and have pretty much lost my focus, even with trying to support her with an aim of not needing drugs to feel good.

I have failed.

Part of me wants to drop the friendship as I've been letting this affect me, but another side of me wants to continue trying. What is it with me and this mindset? It's not healthy, yet I want to try and fix things and people's issues which usually leaves me worn out.

 Father, what I am to do? *sighs* I just can't tell right now.

A call to care: post suicide attempt

Last week, I had an old friend attempt suicide. Lately she had been spiraling down into the darkness of alcoholism and a cocaine addiction. I did what I could to get her mind off of those things, to be there for her instead of letting her be alone with those thoughts that drive her addiction and drinking; and I wasn't the only one trying.

It wasn't enough though, I'd received a text message the next morning saying that she was in the chemical dependency unit over at the hospital and in a panic I went to visit her as soon as I could. They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have the patient codes, so I went searching for either of her parents and went with them to visit her. Her hands were shaking, eyes seemed full of both anger, fear and more so depression.

Sarah and I alternated seeing her throughout the rest of the week and weekend, giving her someone to be with her that was familiar and to keep tabs on her for those that wanted to visit but weren't able to. Her mom would be there and one would notice the tension that sprung up from there.

She got out on Tuesday. We took her home and waited for Sarah to join us for a night out for food to welcome our friend back. Though it wasn't going to be as enjoyable as we'd all hoped. As soon as she got out, there was a load of limitations placed on her, including not having the car anymore. This caused an uproar and it took Sarah and I a while to mediate things. I've volunteered to drive her to her morning therapy classes (0900-1500) for the rest of the week, and asked her to promise not to go to her father for the car keys for at least a week. She did, although a bit reluctantly.

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 Such a day, getting her to and from therapy, sadly she's missed her other two, but I hope that it won't repeat itself. I don't think I've had a mother that wasn't my own call me so often in a day.
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*sighs* Lord give me patience and more so wisdom with this situation. I can only do so much on my own, but I know it's through you that her healing can truly begin. May this time in her life guide her towards you. Help the relationships that are trying to help her stay firm and give her strength to get over the hurtles that have been placed before her. Hold her in your might arms and let her know the peace that comes through you. Amen.