It's been a while

But that doesn't mean things haven't been going on since I've last written.

In the past half year, I've transitioned out of my home town to my college town on feelings and urges that I cannot full account for. There were feelings of wanting to get back with the small handful of friends that I call my second family, another because I actually like my college town even though I'm used to cities. *chuckle*.

I was only able to actually make this move to man who gave me a generous offer, and I felt that that was the sign I needed to say that this was the right call, and up until December I had fully believed that. Then I was let go and my world just shattered.

Since then, my sleep habit has become severely erratic as I am only sleeping in small pockets throughout the day and stay wide awake through the nights only to be caught by the sun to remind me that I have somehow failed. When I was working for this job, I actually buckled down and made a routine of going to bed on time, getting enough hours of sleep, having clothes put out before I went to bed, I was gung ho about this  like nothing else. I was inspired to write again and dream those stories onto page.

Now I just sit in silence with physical, emotional and what feels like spiritual darkness around me. While I have enough to live here for a few more months, I can't sustain that and I don't want to live that way. I've been reading more of Proverbs as of late to try and ease my mind and it has brought hope and encouragement to me.

I have a treasure of which it speaks and yet it is sinking in that it is not a treasure for me to claim, and that has also placed a hurt in my heart.

Aside from reading my Bible more, the only other positive thing is that I've been getting back into the routine of working out (though now it's at anywhere between 5-6:30am).

I've just told my parents that I'll probably be moving back down to Houston in a month or so. They're still proud of me even though I personally feel like an utter failure and partially a disgrace. *sighs* It's been especially heavy since the new year rang in.

I thought there would be more time

I thought I would have a chance

I felt like it would work out

Now, I feel shattered, pages unattached to their proper bindings and cast to the wind, unsure of where they may fall.

I ask for prayer, for so much that even some I dare not put to type..

Father, please help me to hear you calling to me