(Thursday afternoon)
Just recently in the past hour, my friend mentioned in the past post started messaging me again. I knew what was going to come up in the conversation as I got it from Sarah the night before. While we were talking she was going on about fixing to go on "one last ride" on her motorcycle.
I gathered my friends from small group and asked them to pray, and then I myself prayed that He would do something to keep her from doing anything. At this point of the conversation she was silent (we were talking via text). After a moment she sent a message say I was lucky because her motor wouldn't turn over. I told her I believed it was more of an answered prayer than luck.
(Continued Saturday 0300)
I asked her if we could hang out and she's agreed. I wasn't sure what purpose getting her out there would serve, I just didn't want her to be on her own. A block from her house I got a text saying that she wasn't going and not to worry about her. Of course, all things considered this set off alarms in my head. I pulled into the driveway and went through the back, to find that i caught her before she swallowed a cocktail of four different pills (there were six bottles in all) with a wine chaser.
"It would make everyone happier/better off if I wasn't there"
"This is easier"
"Nobody cares about me anymore"
Three of the main things she told me when I tried to get the pills away from her, I'd originally asked her if she could dispose of them herself and of course that was a dumb decision. Took me a while to get them from her but eventually I got 'em.
I seem to have lost whatever standing with her I had left ... if there was any left, I eventually called her mom, who came by and tried to have a deep discussion with her about all of this. Eventually though, the police were involved, and she volunteered to return to the hospital for a psych evaluation. I left her with her mom and tried to get my mind off of things. I went to hang out with friends, and it's amazing how you change when around people who have a great vitality as appose to one wanting to end their own.
I did get to speak with a young gal named Jessica, whose been coming to church when she can. She has a condition that's taken a good portion of her mobility away... kinda reminds me of my dear late friend Tay in a fashion with and beyond that. Even with the condition she's still full of life, and has told me that she's never thought of suicide. I think that one portion of the entire night raised my spirits.
I came home around 3ish and tried to write down my thoughts here on this post. The days interactions earlier in the day has left me emotionally, mentally and a bit spiritually drained. When I was finally coming around to sleep, I got a call around 4:30 from her, asking to pick her up and take her home. I can't discern what was going through my mind at the time. I asked her if she'd called her mom and asked if it was okay with her, and she said yes to both so I got into my car and started heading out there... all the while calling her mom to verify but she wasn't answering. I even went so far as to the mother's house (it's virtually on the way there)... before I decided that she could stay there for a few more hours.
I turned off my phone then, returned home, and went back to sleep. It wasn't until after work that I heard from her again with a sarcastic thanks or nothing text. Apparently she slept in the lobby of the hospital and walked home around six this morning. Why did she leave?
She didn't want to get into debt.
I've been out of it all day with so little sleep, I'm honestly amaze I could even drive, much less function at work as well as I did. I basically told her that I realized she lied to me and that I was tired about being her taxi service. After that, I stayed away from my phone and the computer. I decided to stay in for the evening though several friends asked if I could come hang out with them. I appreciate their asking, but I really need the rest.
I have to admit, I'm scared, for the girl as well as myself. I finally found the thresh hold for my patience and while I try to be as patience as possible... *shudder* I worry that she may brush by it again....
if there is an again.
I'm unsure what's going to happen now, and frankly, I'm feeling rather dried up and to hurt to go back. I see more and more why her closest friend left, and I wonder more often as the days pass whether I should follow suit. And most people that know me well enough know I have a fault with keeping friendships even if it leads to nothing to but ill.
I've done all I can do, I'm spent, my mind is filled with one simple question:
How is suicide ever an answer?
I hear answers but the logic and spiritual side of me cannot make a connection between the answers and what I hear. Life is ever so precious, even those I know are so worse off than the average person can still life a wonderful life and give hope to others. Thank you Tay for always reminding me of that.
Father, I no longer know what to do here anymore; but you do, and I place this into your hands.
Embrace in the promise of you
Is rest for the weary soul
Releasing all that is mine
I reach for you
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You
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