Cut

So, I was hanging out with some friends Saturday when I got a text from her, asking for her motorcycle key back (I'd originally taken it so I could start her bike once in a while while she was in the hospital). I was near on the other side of town so I told her I would half to get it later; or drive over to where I was to get it. She said she'd rather I drop what I was doing and take it to her.

Much to say that I didn't. This led to her getting upset enough to threaten me with calling the constables... I'm sorry?  I called her bluff on it by not doing anything, though she kept sending message after message about how much of a "bad" friend I was, etc. etc.

So towards the end of my time with my friends, she called and said she just wanted the key back. I did drop it off into her mailbox and just left. I didn't want my last memory of seeing her be of her hostile.

So now she is no longer friends with me, and I'm for one am more or less grateful for it; though I still feel bad for her mom being alone in her fight to save her daughter. I'm the second close friend she's cut out of her life, and I'm pretty certain more will follow.

Everything I'd done for her in the past couple of weeks has now turned to waste, what am I to do aside from continuing to pray for her.

I do feel lighter now, though I still feel a bit horrible for being so. Was there more I could've done? Many near this situation say that I've done so much, are amazed with all I've done as well to see how long I was around to try and help her. Personally, I don't know that answer, and it's going to take some time to figure out. Though, I guess I knew I was finish with her when she broke my patience. I don't like being over that thresh hold and it takes quite a lot to get me where I was that other night. Sarah told me that if I had tried to stay around the girl would just throw me over the line over and over and I agree, and so her cutting me out of her life has become mutual.

I surprised myself last night when, while I was talking to Sarah, I'd ask if she'd go to the girl's funeral should she succeeded in killing herself. She said yes; myself though, I feel like I'm too angered and disconnected to do so. I would go for her mother's sake... but for now, not for her, and that makes me sad.

Now what... I need to continue praying, and refocus onto things that matter.

A quick stroke - a follow up

(Thursday afternoon)
Just recently in the past hour, my friend mentioned in the past post started messaging me again. I knew what was going to come up in the conversation as I got it from Sarah the night before. While we were talking she was going on about fixing to go on "one last ride" on her motorcycle.

I gathered my friends from small group and asked them to pray, and then I myself prayed that He would do something to keep her from doing anything. At this point of the conversation she was silent (we were talking via text). After a moment she sent a message say I was lucky because her motor wouldn't turn over. I told her I believed it was more of an answered prayer than luck.

(Continued Saturday 0300)
I asked her if we could hang out and she's agreed. I wasn't sure what purpose getting her out there would serve, I just didn't want her to be on her own. A block from her house I got a text saying that she wasn't going and not to worry about her. Of course, all things considered this set off alarms in my head. I pulled into the driveway and went through the back, to find that i caught her before she swallowed a cocktail of four different pills (there were six bottles in all) with a wine chaser.

"It would make everyone happier/better off if I wasn't there"

"This is easier"

"Nobody cares about me anymore"

Three of the main things she told me when I tried to get the pills away from her, I'd originally asked her if she could dispose of them herself and of course that was a dumb decision. Took me a while to get them from her but eventually I got 'em.

I seem to have lost whatever standing with her I had left ... if there was any left, I eventually called her mom, who came by and tried to have a deep discussion with her about all of this. Eventually though, the police were involved, and she volunteered to return to the hospital for a psych evaluation. I left her with her mom and tried to get my mind off of things. I went to hang out with friends, and it's amazing how you change when around people who have a great vitality as appose to one wanting to end their own.

I did get to speak with a young gal named Jessica, whose been coming to church when she can. She has a condition that's taken a good portion of her mobility away... kinda reminds me of my dear late friend Tay in a fashion with and beyond that. Even with the condition she's still full of life, and has told me that she's never thought of suicide. I think that one portion of the entire night raised my spirits.

I came home around 3ish and tried to write down my thoughts here on this post. The days interactions earlier in the day has left me emotionally, mentally and a bit spiritually drained. When I was finally coming around to sleep, I got a call around 4:30 from her, asking to pick her up and take her home. I can't discern what was going through my mind at the time. I asked her if she'd called her mom and asked if it was okay with her, and she said yes to both so I got into my car and started heading out there... all the while calling her mom to verify but she wasn't answering. I even went so far as to the mother's house (it's virtually on the way there)... before I decided that she could stay there for a few more hours.

I turned off my phone then, returned home, and went back to sleep. It wasn't until after work that I heard from her again with a sarcastic thanks or nothing text. Apparently she slept in the lobby of the hospital and walked home around six this morning. Why did she leave?

She didn't want to get into debt.

I've been out of it all day with so little sleep, I'm honestly amaze I could even drive, much less function at work as well as I did. I basically told her that I realized she lied to me and that I was tired about being her taxi service. After that, I stayed away from my phone and the computer. I decided to stay in for the evening though several friends asked if I could come hang out with them. I appreciate their asking, but I really need the rest.

I have to admit, I'm scared, for the girl as well as myself. I finally found the thresh hold for my patience and while I try to be as patience as possible... *shudder* I worry that she may brush by it again....

if there is an again.

I'm unsure what's going to happen now, and frankly, I'm feeling rather dried up and to hurt to go back. I see more and more why her closest friend left, and I wonder more often as the days pass whether I should follow suit. And most people that know me well enough know I have a fault with keeping friendships even if it leads to nothing to but ill.

I've done all I can do, I'm spent, my mind is filled with one simple question:

How is suicide ever an answer?

I hear answers but the logic and spiritual side of me cannot make a connection between the answers and what I hear. Life is ever so precious, even those I know are so worse off than the average person can still life a wonderful life and give hope to others. Thank you Tay for always reminding me of that.

 Father, I no longer know what to do here anymore; but you do, and I place this into your hands.

Embrace in the promise of you
Is rest for the weary soul
Releasing all that is mine
I reach for you

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

How much, is too much?

"Catholic or not, you should be going for sainthood..." My friend Sarah told me as we were discussing things over Skype. As much as I appreciated the odd comment, I don't think sainthood works that way lol, but rather defeats the purpose of sainthood.

We were discussing a friend of ours who was admitted to a hospital a month or so ago for drug detox and psychological help after contemplating/attempting suicide. She was in for about a little over a week, Sarah and I would alternate visiting with her to check in on her and to let her know people were still there for her. When she got out, I volunteered to drive her to therapy sessions every morning for roughly a week as well so that her already stressed mom could relax a bit.

Sadly, things were going down hill. Fights between her and everyone, stopping to go on her own to sessions, and eventually, a relapse into her addictions. She was even using while I was visiting her yesterday, which I think hurt the most.

I've been recently going through Matthew 18 as I remembered back in class that there was a passage about confronting people. Once in private, Second with another person to help back you up, and third before a congregation of believers; but, if she no longer believes in God, what then, should I go ahead and leave them? As it is, Sarah has already left her aside, and the girl turns back to the drugs to cope instead of reaching out to the people that are her friends.

Simply obvious, she needs to get back with Christ, as He's the only one strong enough to help her get through this. Alas, I've been a poor example and have pretty much lost my focus, even with trying to support her with an aim of not needing drugs to feel good.

I have failed.

Part of me wants to drop the friendship as I've been letting this affect me, but another side of me wants to continue trying. What is it with me and this mindset? It's not healthy, yet I want to try and fix things and people's issues which usually leaves me worn out.

 Father, what I am to do? *sighs* I just can't tell right now.

A call to care: post suicide attempt

Last week, I had an old friend attempt suicide. Lately she had been spiraling down into the darkness of alcoholism and a cocaine addiction. I did what I could to get her mind off of those things, to be there for her instead of letting her be alone with those thoughts that drive her addiction and drinking; and I wasn't the only one trying.

It wasn't enough though, I'd received a text message the next morning saying that she was in the chemical dependency unit over at the hospital and in a panic I went to visit her as soon as I could. They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have the patient codes, so I went searching for either of her parents and went with them to visit her. Her hands were shaking, eyes seemed full of both anger, fear and more so depression.

Sarah and I alternated seeing her throughout the rest of the week and weekend, giving her someone to be with her that was familiar and to keep tabs on her for those that wanted to visit but weren't able to. Her mom would be there and one would notice the tension that sprung up from there.

She got out on Tuesday. We took her home and waited for Sarah to join us for a night out for food to welcome our friend back. Though it wasn't going to be as enjoyable as we'd all hoped. As soon as she got out, there was a load of limitations placed on her, including not having the car anymore. This caused an uproar and it took Sarah and I a while to mediate things. I've volunteered to drive her to her morning therapy classes (0900-1500) for the rest of the week, and asked her to promise not to go to her father for the car keys for at least a week. She did, although a bit reluctantly.

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 Such a day, getting her to and from therapy, sadly she's missed her other two, but I hope that it won't repeat itself. I don't think I've had a mother that wasn't my own call me so often in a day.
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*sighs* Lord give me patience and more so wisdom with this situation. I can only do so much on my own, but I know it's through you that her healing can truly begin. May this time in her life guide her towards you. Help the relationships that are trying to help her stay firm and give her strength to get over the hurtles that have been placed before her. Hold her in your might arms and let her know the peace that comes through you. Amen.