Out of the blue

How often do I find myself wishing to say it is well with my soul, then realizing that my soul is well because I am saved, it is just my heart that aches. 

Even then, how often do I find myself searching for healing for those aches when I already know where it is I need to turn to?

Am I mired down by guilt, by shame, by regret to lift my eyes, hands and hearts to that healer? At times yes, and at times I will again soon, that is just how it is being human.

I am glad though, because it helps me to appreciate that the healing, blessings and gifts are something that cannot be bought by my works and deeds, but are given as gifts  though my relationship with Christ.

I will arise, I will walk, I will run and I will at stumble...

but at least when I fall, I know I am not alone, and that there is someone there to lift me up and travel with me.

A depth I can never phantom,  an embrace that never tires, and a strength beyond the weights of this world.

Lord, I can only pray and try to rely on you with more and more of my life until it is all given to you. I know I am slow at this and I am sorry, I need help with removing myself from the easel and yet you work without my input, my worries, my complaints.  I want to know you, to understand you as best as I possibly can, but above all I want to learn to trust you more and more with the passing days you've allotted me.

It still hurts, from those years past to the few months that past, yet I am able to continue walking with your hand on my shoulders to help me press forward. I've grieved and I still shed tears, but you continue to give me reason to wipe my eyes and to allow a smile to creep out to my lips. Even though I wail in secret, your praise is never fair from my broken voice.

I give my praise to you now and forever on, break me to the point where you can use me in both body and spirit. Help me to learn to let go of what I hold dear and to hold onto you.

Amen