Work... one of the few things that I don't quite have yet. Why? I'm not sure, I just can't find a place that says yes, this is where He wants you to be. It's been nearly a year since I've graduated college, and I've been working at my dad's office helping him with clerical and book keeping stuff. Over the past ten months I've realized a few things.
- Getting a business degree wasn't the best idea.
- Computers doesn't feel like my calling, just a tool to be used for it
- Writing is the only thing that I can do without too much thought and it makes me happy
- God's plan for me is still there, waiting
Why did I get a business degree then? When I applied for Wayland I was originally going to go into computer science and possibly art. My father dashed my hopes of achieving anything artistically because he had the same ideas back then and well, he hasn't done anything artistic since college. Another of my passion was writing -- I'd written poetry and prose and yet the discouragement that came to the art flooded over into my writing and so I didn't choose an English degree. I remember the numerous occasions where I would look at the English classes and go "Oooo it'd be neat to take this course, and this course, and etc." but I'd already started down business. Why business? Well, at the time Thomas, my older brother, was already graduated and was working for Hewlett Packard. He had a business degree and was doing programming work for them and I thought how cool would that be? So I chose business, beside the fact that my brother was in it, it seemed one of the more versatile degrees to get.
I dunno, academic wise I sometimes feel as though I made the wrong decision with my degree, but what can one do about it accept move forward?
Another thing that's been wearing on me, my heart longs for W. Texas, not so much the people there though I do miss them deeply, but it just felt right there. I guess Plainview and Lubbock have grown on me? Where God leads me I pray I have the courage and the obedience more so to take a step out and begin following. Maybe it's somewhere up north, that's the only thing I can feel sure of.
Father, where can you use me? Where do you wish me to go?
I will honestly say I'm too scared to look without Him, and I'm happy about that. People tell me that I should just find something (or two) that will just help me survive. People send me listings for computer orientated jobs that are well beyond me and besides that, certifications are costly. I cry whenever I hear about oil companies, I always had even when I was eighteen. There's just something about them.. and I keep hearing the word flee whenever I see a job position available. I don't know what to make of it, but it scares me too.
I don't know what to do aside from prayer and seeking God, as well as continue writing. I'm scared, and yet all the more hopefully, because I know I'm learning to trust Him all the more with my worries and fears.
I was actually talking to a close friend of mine of three of our fears. One of the fears I gave her was the fear of losing those dear to me. Of all the fears I have, that is definitely #1 -- not death, not having a job, but losing those close to me, especially one in particular. They make up so much of my life and a good portion of my inspiration for the writings and arts. The people whom I would wash their feet, climb over security fences, drive in a torrential downpour for, and pour my time and finances out to. I don't have fairly many, but I'm blessed to have each and everyone one that I have. I love you guys, you know who you are.
Father,
You know my heart, its desires, its fears, and its joys. I thank you so much for blessing my life so much and how you brought so many people into it for your glory. I pray that I will continue to take any movement forward necessary to continue moving forward and along side you. I don't know where I will be in the next year or the next week, but I know that You will never move away thanks to your son. I pray that as the time passes, I will strengthen my intimacy with You and within that, find where it is that You want me to go and that with faith I'll be able to walk out to it. There is no greater joy than being where You wish for me to be and it is my prayer to be in that place. Guide me Father, because I'm too frighten to do it on my own.
Amen
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