Reflections within reflections

I am nothing more than the ghost of ink
Written on wisps of unadulterated imagination,
Bleeding a silently screaming soul
Into the darkness of a blazing sun

Ghost Ink 01212014

I had an idea of doing a long post about what I'd been up to as of late, but I'm just feeling it today.

Valentine's day has always been a rather depressing one of the past... eleven years now. Seemed like every year had something to throw at me when I wasn't expecting it, this year was no exception.

break break release unwind
This pain on me to be sublime
Break the surface break the core
Break until there is no more

Break break until its done
Till all the love has been unsung
Throw my heart under disarray
Into the darkness into the day

Breaking 01252014

Despite the poem exerts from this year, I've been doing my best to keep my new year's resolution: keeping asking God where I should take my next step. I'd plugged into a Bible study group at my church covering finding God's will in the middle of last month, a while later starting talking with one my church's deacon (who happens to be leading the class). I'm doing my best to become stronger, but my strength is fleeting and so I'm trying to rely more on His to carry me, because I'm having trouble carrying myself.

Worse yet, why tell me now?
Why after so long shed light on something so deeply buried?
I'd moved on from it, tried to make myself better
Now it just seems worthless
Leaving me with nothing but questions.

A Victim of Innocence 04272013

As of late I've been woken up from sleep, be it a nap or some time in the middle of the night, and just weep. There have been other moments where out of the blue I'll feel a hot tear stroll down my cheek, and I would have to hide before the rest come. My heart seems to break a bit more by the day, and it doesn't want to hide it anymore.

I ache Lord, oh how do I ache
The coldness of the night claw into me
I wish to feel warm again
I want to feel a life worth living for

I don't like to feel alone
Even around others, it gnaws on me
When Lord, and how
Why can't I feel you're enough

Lament 10192012

Tomorrow, I may feel better; tonight, I try to remind my heart that the pain matters, but I needn't let it be a definition.

Deep into the woods I go
Searching, searching for something
I'm not sure for what exactly
I just know it's in there.

The light dims as the foliage takes over the sky
Rustling leaves tell me the secrets of the winds
"Deeper, seek me," such things I heard in low whispers
I run, to that voice I run

Over the fallen trees and streams I flew
The wolves ran with me, but fell behind
Fish became my stepping stones
Even after stumbling, I must go deeper

Run 05212011

Earlier this week was this month's Story Slam, where people come up and tell personal stories for five minutes to the month's theme. A friend said I should come and tell one and I easily had one one for this month's theme of love hurts. The tale revolved around a cold night in January where in a drunken depression I destroyed and deleted paintings, poems, origami, stories, all manner of arts that were inspired by one person over several years. I didn't get to tell it, as my name was never drawn from the bag; but I'm hoping by this time next month, I can tell it with a different spin to the next month's theme of happiness.

Like a glass that was only half full
I never finished going beneath the surface to know all that was there
Just sat there admiring the sparkling liquid
The essence I did take in were refreshing to my heart

Essence 09252010

I am doing my best to move forward. I can't promise that I won't fall back and look at times I remember as happier. I will do my best not to crawl back into that hole again and I hope that you'll continue to watch and if need be call me out when I start to slip and hesitate.

Here my friend, have a piece
May you can figure and where it goes
Does it go to the college, love life, or weekend craziness side?
Or, maybe God's giving me me something for a feature section.

Puzzle 09022009

In time, each heartache has been met with something that kept the cold nights at bay, a blanket, a hand knit scarf... they do well keeping my mind off the weather. It's not the ice or the chills or the absence of sun that gets to be most, just something else felt all year round.

Take me where I can run unbound
Take me where I can swim besides the sun
Where I can reach and touch the star-like dreams
Take me to a place where I know you'll be
Take, me, home

Home 03012008

I thank you for reading this, and yes I understand there are parts in there that seem troubling and I apologize. As I'd mentioned earlier this isn't quite what I had in mind to write tonight, but I hope this offers some clarity somewhere. The day is almost over, may my eyes will stop crying and I can find some rest in the night. Thank you for praying for me, while there's one thing I'd like to ask for, prayer is more important. For now, I'm going to do my best to actively wait, and see what God has in store for me.

The sails pick up wind and push me onward
Wherever God takes me I put my life in His hands
Even with you falling behind the sky
I'm glad to see you in the times you do appear
Stars fall across the sea above me and I look back ahead

Though I can never steer to you again
I thank you for your help in getting my bearings straight
Ever so distant you still guide me to a safe harbor
And so I continue to sail across this sea
Watching the stars fall over the newborn dawn

Starfall - Composition date lost