Oh how I long to hit the snooze button though.
Father, I am not a morning person, but thank you for letting me see the sun rise again.
I realize that I haven't been writing here much as of late. I never wrote much about MetroLive though I'd hope I would, nor of the events since then. My spiritual life takes a step forward from time to time, though right now I don't have the time to go into specifics. I did get a temp job though working for an auditor so that's been eating a lot of my time, but more my energy and mentality. I come home with my brain exhausted and only a two hour nap could revitalize me it seems. I am thankful for it though.
This month marks NaNoWriMo, a month of writing 50k words in 30 days. So far I have a small percentage, but it is only day two. I can only pray I can see this to the end and complete my novel project this year if not just get extremely close to it.
Father, you are good when nothing else is, and after the laments I've had as of late, I'm glad you're still by my side.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Out of the blue
How often do I find myself wishing to say it is well with my soul, then realizing that my soul is well because I am saved, it is just my heart that aches.
Even then, how often do I find myself searching for healing for those aches when I already know where it is I need to turn to?
Am I mired down by guilt, by shame, by regret to lift my eyes, hands and hearts to that healer? At times yes, and at times I will again soon, that is just how it is being human.
I am glad though, because it helps me to appreciate that the healing, blessings and gifts are something that cannot be bought by my works and deeds, but are given as gifts though my relationship with Christ.
I will arise, I will walk, I will run and I will at stumble...
but at least when I fall, I know I am not alone, and that there is someone there to lift me up and travel with me.
A depth I can never phantom, an embrace that never tires, and a strength beyond the weights of this world.
Lord, I can only pray and try to rely on you with more and more of my life until it is all given to you. I know I am slow at this and I am sorry, I need help with removing myself from the easel and yet you work without my input, my worries, my complaints. I want to know you, to understand you as best as I possibly can, but above all I want to learn to trust you more and more with the passing days you've allotted me.
It still hurts, from those years past to the few months that past, yet I am able to continue walking with your hand on my shoulders to help me press forward. I've grieved and I still shed tears, but you continue to give me reason to wipe my eyes and to allow a smile to creep out to my lips. Even though I wail in secret, your praise is never fair from my broken voice.
I give my praise to you now and forever on, break me to the point where you can use me in both body and spirit. Help me to learn to let go of what I hold dear and to hold onto you.
Amen
Even then, how often do I find myself searching for healing for those aches when I already know where it is I need to turn to?
Am I mired down by guilt, by shame, by regret to lift my eyes, hands and hearts to that healer? At times yes, and at times I will again soon, that is just how it is being human.
I am glad though, because it helps me to appreciate that the healing, blessings and gifts are something that cannot be bought by my works and deeds, but are given as gifts though my relationship with Christ.
I will arise, I will walk, I will run and I will at stumble...
but at least when I fall, I know I am not alone, and that there is someone there to lift me up and travel with me.
A depth I can never phantom, an embrace that never tires, and a strength beyond the weights of this world.
Lord, I can only pray and try to rely on you with more and more of my life until it is all given to you. I know I am slow at this and I am sorry, I need help with removing myself from the easel and yet you work without my input, my worries, my complaints. I want to know you, to understand you as best as I possibly can, but above all I want to learn to trust you more and more with the passing days you've allotted me.
It still hurts, from those years past to the few months that past, yet I am able to continue walking with your hand on my shoulders to help me press forward. I've grieved and I still shed tears, but you continue to give me reason to wipe my eyes and to allow a smile to creep out to my lips. Even though I wail in secret, your praise is never fair from my broken voice.
I give my praise to you now and forever on, break me to the point where you can use me in both body and spirit. Help me to learn to let go of what I hold dear and to hold onto you.
Amen
Monday, July 18, 2011
It's only been a month...
... to the day since I received a call telling me that she died. Since then the nights have gone quiet to the point where ears cry out waiting for sound. But the playlists, no beeps from a computer or living creature fulfill its want of that familiar voice.
My inks have dried and caked, my quills feel broken, my papers can't even hold onto a single tear.
How I miss you
Though I am glad
That you're someplace better than here
I just wish
That I was able to say good bye
I would've sacrificed the night for just a simple phone call
For just a simple hello
With one last farewell.
Father hold me
As my heart soaks up my tears
Let this small joy grow
So that it can drown out these broken nights
My inks have dried and caked, my quills feel broken, my papers can't even hold onto a single tear.
How I miss you
Though I am glad
That you're someplace better than here
I just wish
That I was able to say good bye
I would've sacrificed the night for just a simple phone call
For just a simple hello
With one last farewell.
Father hold me
As my heart soaks up my tears
Let this small joy grow
So that it can drown out these broken nights
A toast for such a great friend
Who was and always will be one of the best I'll ever know
Though small amongst the earth, a giant among hearts
Until we meet once more.
Who was and always will be one of the best I'll ever know
Though small amongst the earth, a giant among hearts
Until we meet once more.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thoughts of dreams of thoughts - Prayer request
[This blog post has been in writing process since July 7th.]
"Pray for your dreams." Four wise words from a dear friend of mine who'd just recently gotten married a month ago. It was something that she would say at the end of near every conversation we had as we were both night owls and that was when we often talked. Back then I was having trouble going to bed and staying asleep, too much on my mind and too many thoughts to just release myself to slumber.
To my readers I pose this question: Do you feel that your dreams reveal a portion of your inner self, the self that is buried under years of conditioned behavior and what is often felt as lost child like aspect of emotional expressions? Or do you feel that it's just your mind replaying random events. What about lucid dreaming, could you indeed pull an inception movie trick and create your own dreams like an artist?
For my own answer, I can't go fully into one camp or another as I've had both set of dreams (The Simpsons developing a time machine out of a sphere containing a thousand or so marbles, I mean really), but as my friend suggested, praying for your dreams whether conscious or unconscious, is a healthy part of maintaining one's mentality.
I'd recently picked up a book for writing research entitled Breathing Life into Your Character by Dr. Rachel Ballon, PhD. Every so pages it gives out an exercise, one of them being to record one's dreams as a means to see what your mind thinks of unhindered.
Interesting idea...though as of late when recording my dreams, I wonder just how my heart is burying my mind and visa versa on different topics. I dunno, it's been rather eye opening. Grant you, I'm not putting full stock into what my dreams are, though I can't help but ponder about the subject of the dream, the people in them, and how home hitting they are.
For now, I'll continue to write them down as they come to me, while at the same time beginning to once again take my friend's advice and pray for and about the dreams I've been having these past few nights.
I'm sorry that this wasn't so much of a spiritual type post, it's just something I needed to get out of my systems these past few days.
On a side note. I was wondering if you guys can pray for my father. He's on vacation these past two weeks, but he's been more stressed now that whenever he was working. So much so that, as I was told this morning, last night he was backing out into a parking lot, drove the car into another and proceeded to continue without noticing, raising the smaller car behind them up into the air while my mother, my older brother and his wife and kids watched trying to tell him to stop. I must admit, this has scared me as it's extremely rare to see him so stressed out. We're doing what we can to ease his stress, but his personality type limits what we can do without causing him more stress and frustration. We're making a little headway though, I hope and pray things will change for the better soon.
"Pray for your dreams." Four wise words from a dear friend of mine who'd just recently gotten married a month ago. It was something that she would say at the end of near every conversation we had as we were both night owls and that was when we often talked. Back then I was having trouble going to bed and staying asleep, too much on my mind and too many thoughts to just release myself to slumber.
To my readers I pose this question: Do you feel that your dreams reveal a portion of your inner self, the self that is buried under years of conditioned behavior and what is often felt as lost child like aspect of emotional expressions? Or do you feel that it's just your mind replaying random events. What about lucid dreaming, could you indeed pull an inception movie trick and create your own dreams like an artist?
For my own answer, I can't go fully into one camp or another as I've had both set of dreams (The Simpsons developing a time machine out of a sphere containing a thousand or so marbles, I mean really), but as my friend suggested, praying for your dreams whether conscious or unconscious, is a healthy part of maintaining one's mentality.
I'd recently picked up a book for writing research entitled Breathing Life into Your Character by Dr. Rachel Ballon, PhD. Every so pages it gives out an exercise, one of them being to record one's dreams as a means to see what your mind thinks of unhindered.
Interesting idea...though as of late when recording my dreams, I wonder just how my heart is burying my mind and visa versa on different topics. I dunno, it's been rather eye opening. Grant you, I'm not putting full stock into what my dreams are, though I can't help but ponder about the subject of the dream, the people in them, and how home hitting they are.
For now, I'll continue to write them down as they come to me, while at the same time beginning to once again take my friend's advice and pray for and about the dreams I've been having these past few nights.
I'm sorry that this wasn't so much of a spiritual type post, it's just something I needed to get out of my systems these past few days.
On a side note. I was wondering if you guys can pray for my father. He's on vacation these past two weeks, but he's been more stressed now that whenever he was working. So much so that, as I was told this morning, last night he was backing out into a parking lot, drove the car into another and proceeded to continue without noticing, raising the smaller car behind them up into the air while my mother, my older brother and his wife and kids watched trying to tell him to stop. I must admit, this has scared me as it's extremely rare to see him so stressed out. We're doing what we can to ease his stress, but his personality type limits what we can do without causing him more stress and frustration. We're making a little headway though, I hope and pray things will change for the better soon.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Yesterday today
Saturday I celebrated the wonderful occasion of two great friends getting married, right now, I mourn the loss of a dear friend who died earlier Saturday evening...
And I will praise you in this storm
And i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I cry
You hold in your hands
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I know you're in a better place where you can finally be able to run, jump, and dance and not be bound to your wheel chair; I'm still going to miss you though. Wuff you Tay, and I will see you again someday.
Goodnight
And I will praise you in this storm
And i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I cry
You hold in your hands
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I know you're in a better place where you can finally be able to run, jump, and dance and not be bound to your wheel chair; I'm still going to miss you though. Wuff you Tay, and I will see you again someday.
Goodnight
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Just because it's there...
doesn't mean it's for you.
Something our Bible study leader brought up two nights ago.
I got an email earlier this morning saying that I was being taken off the newsletter team as they feel the leaders should be doing the work so that the study group as a whole would understand who the leaders are and what they do, better. As part of this, the devotion I had planned to start was also canceled. I will admit I was rather bummed at first but I know somethings are meant to work out as they do for a reason, just need to go find it.
In other news I'd mailed off my laptop, phoenix, to Ten3 to help them with their work. Another admission I should make is that it feels absolutely weird being without a laptop for so long (I haven't used it for over three weeks now). I'll get over this eventually though.
On the plus side, I had experimented that with recording the Bible study for a possible podcast edition of it. I just checked my files and huzzah ! the recording went well! I just gotta make edits to it and try to remove some noise in the background.
Something our Bible study leader brought up two nights ago.
I got an email earlier this morning saying that I was being taken off the newsletter team as they feel the leaders should be doing the work so that the study group as a whole would understand who the leaders are and what they do, better. As part of this, the devotion I had planned to start was also canceled. I will admit I was rather bummed at first but I know somethings are meant to work out as they do for a reason, just need to go find it.
In other news I'd mailed off my laptop, phoenix, to Ten3 to help them with their work. Another admission I should make is that it feels absolutely weird being without a laptop for so long (I haven't used it for over three weeks now). I'll get over this eventually though.
On the plus side, I had experimented that with recording the Bible study for a possible podcast edition of it. I just checked my files and huzzah ! the recording went well! I just gotta make edits to it and try to remove some noise in the background.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Retreating
There is no such thing as retreat when one turns to prayer to those that truly know the power of prayer.
This past weekend was my church's trip to Trinity Pines and as I mentioned in one of my status' on facebook, wow. Though the evening we got there was a bit unnerving (the speakers were waaay too loud for such a small amount of space), I did feel His presence there throughout the time I'd spent there -- enough to be pulled away into hiding for a personal time with him deep into the trees of the prayer and much needed silence to listen. Things have changed from there and it may come to a surprise to some, an amen to others, but I looking forward to how these will play out in the long run.
The core message of the retreat was Impact, and how we as Christians need to focus on having a deeper impact in the lives around us to further the kingdom. As I don't have all my notes on me right now I can't give a recap of what all we went over so I'm sorry for that but they will be posted later. On the last day we talked a lot about prayer, it's power, what hinders us, what hinders our prayers, and of course, why some go unanswered. I must admit it was rather strange not having my laptop with me to take notes, but having it with me would've been a bit cumbersome on several levels, though I did wish to do some work. *Shrugs* ah well.
I have to say, there was something I'd gotten out of it that I wasn't quite expecting, the feel for a need of a mentor. Thankfully, I felt led to one in particular and he agreed. Though the gains run quicker, I can only pray on these things I lay here. I still need improvement, I still needed to walk in boldness or what good am I as someone called to a ministry of reconciliation? What role am I being called to take up I'm still praying and searching for, but yesterday seemed to be a good point in direction.
Cluade is the CEO of Ten3 missions, and we've spoken to each other about my current involvement with Ten3 as a writer for the communications department which has gone a bit dormant and of my future with them, whether it would be with communications, technology, or somewhere else. After showing him my artwork, literary work and a brief background he brought up the idea of working with the media department. Claude is a producer, which I felt built some common ground for the both of us to understand each other easier and it did. It's not official, but I told him I would serve Ten3 in that function. If you guys can pray on this I'd be most appreciative.
After a bit of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that I need to unplug myself for a time. Being said I've decided to cut out instant messenger, IRC and facebook for about a week though I will get on facebook if there are matters for the upcoming wedding to attend to. Some may find it to be a form of running away and I guess in a sense it is, though that's not how I saw it when the idea came to mind. There's a lot going on on this end and while I can't talk about all of it right now, I will say that I'm dealing with them as best as I can. I have been broken, worn down and defeated. I do not intend to build thicker walls but try to build a better foundation, though walls may appear as a result.
Above all else, I need silence and to be silent... and patient. I hope you'll understand.
With this finished and posted I'll be turning my computers and electronics off. I'm not sure what's to come of this and I dare not assume, but we shall see what happens when it does happen.
Farewell, see you after the blackout.
John
This past weekend was my church's trip to Trinity Pines and as I mentioned in one of my status' on facebook, wow. Though the evening we got there was a bit unnerving (the speakers were waaay too loud for such a small amount of space), I did feel His presence there throughout the time I'd spent there -- enough to be pulled away into hiding for a personal time with him deep into the trees of the prayer and much needed silence to listen. Things have changed from there and it may come to a surprise to some, an amen to others, but I looking forward to how these will play out in the long run.
The core message of the retreat was Impact, and how we as Christians need to focus on having a deeper impact in the lives around us to further the kingdom. As I don't have all my notes on me right now I can't give a recap of what all we went over so I'm sorry for that but they will be posted later. On the last day we talked a lot about prayer, it's power, what hinders us, what hinders our prayers, and of course, why some go unanswered. I must admit it was rather strange not having my laptop with me to take notes, but having it with me would've been a bit cumbersome on several levels, though I did wish to do some work. *Shrugs* ah well.
I have to say, there was something I'd gotten out of it that I wasn't quite expecting, the feel for a need of a mentor. Thankfully, I felt led to one in particular and he agreed. Though the gains run quicker, I can only pray on these things I lay here. I still need improvement, I still needed to walk in boldness or what good am I as someone called to a ministry of reconciliation? What role am I being called to take up I'm still praying and searching for, but yesterday seemed to be a good point in direction.
Cluade is the CEO of Ten3 missions, and we've spoken to each other about my current involvement with Ten3 as a writer for the communications department which has gone a bit dormant and of my future with them, whether it would be with communications, technology, or somewhere else. After showing him my artwork, literary work and a brief background he brought up the idea of working with the media department. Claude is a producer, which I felt built some common ground for the both of us to understand each other easier and it did. It's not official, but I told him I would serve Ten3 in that function. If you guys can pray on this I'd be most appreciative.
After a bit of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that I need to unplug myself for a time. Being said I've decided to cut out instant messenger, IRC and facebook for about a week though I will get on facebook if there are matters for the upcoming wedding to attend to. Some may find it to be a form of running away and I guess in a sense it is, though that's not how I saw it when the idea came to mind. There's a lot going on on this end and while I can't talk about all of it right now, I will say that I'm dealing with them as best as I can. I have been broken, worn down and defeated. I do not intend to build thicker walls but try to build a better foundation, though walls may appear as a result.
Above all else, I need silence and to be silent... and patient. I hope you'll understand.
With this finished and posted I'll be turning my computers and electronics off. I'm not sure what's to come of this and I dare not assume, but we shall see what happens when it does happen.
Farewell, see you after the blackout.
John
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